im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
