ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
