I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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