When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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