if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she looked like the before picture.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
