My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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