If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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