all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
