I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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