And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
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