If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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