I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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