We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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