So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
