Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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