I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
True college students do jello shots in the library
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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