mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
