One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
