Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize