made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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