I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
