Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
