Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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