how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
