I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
