I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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