Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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