You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
