I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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