why didn't you poke me back
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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