In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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