Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
