i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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