I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
