apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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