I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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