Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
