the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
