you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
