My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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