I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
