I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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