My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
