today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Of course I have a pirate flag
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
