I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I look better un-naked...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
