Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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