I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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