ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
