anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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