new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
