I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
