Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
