my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
