New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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