I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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