Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
